Tag Archives: school

If It’s Thursday It Must Be Tintin!

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At school one day, out of the blue, the lad who was sitting next to me, and with whom I’d had a fairly tempestuous relationship, involving at least one fight said:
“Why do they always put Tintin on telly on a Thursday?”
“They don’t” I said. “I saw it on Monday last week”
“No, no …” the urchin replied “It’s definately Thursday. They always announce it at the start”
“What are you gabbing on about?”
“They announce it!” he said, emphatically, and taking a deep breath he attempted an impersonation of the stentorian voice of the M. C. who did indeed initiate the programme: “Thursday’s adventures of Tintin!” He boomed.
I quickly weigh up the relative benefits and the likely timescale involved in explaining that the announcer was in fact saying “Hergé’s Adventures of Tintin”, then of course,who Hergé was and so on; compared to simply letting sleeping dogs lie.

It didn’t take long.
“Hmmm! Yeah so they do. Well I never … Tintin only on Thursdays eh?”

Houston, You Have A Problem?

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We were at the dinner table one evening, talking school with our boys. Thankfully, this has always (up to now at least) been a thoroughly pleasurable experience: They do like to talk about school and especially since they have both been at secondary – they tend to ‘bounce’ stories off each other. Occasionally, you get some utter gems, such as this one.

Mission Control. Houston Texas

Our eldest told us this about his Year 9 (That’s ‘Third Year’ in £ S d) Science teacher ‘Miss Houston’. Miss seems a bit dizzy from what he’s already told us. You get the feeling that she’s not really fully in control. She is Greek, apparently, talks in a high-pitched singy-songy voice, and asks the kids “Houston gotta problem?” (As in Houston, Texas NASA. Mission Control: “Houston we gotta problem”) when she thinks they are stuck. She likes a challenge.

Year 9 Science classroom

Well, it’s a hot, tedious afternoon, almost time for home, but that bell is just far enough away to make it feel like an eternity. They are studying Human Reproduction and are labelling diagrams in their books as she points out for them the various key features. They are scribbling away with the parts of  the male reproductive system. They get to ‘Scrotum’ which she points out on the diagram and as they continue to write, heads down, suddenly, and to no-one in particular, she announces:

“Ahhh! ‘Scrotum’ I love the way it rolls off your tongue!”

(I swear this is true)

The kids carry on writing … then it slowly began to dawn first on one or two…then a few more. Lazily, the import of what she had actually said, coupled with her directness began to make  itself apparent to the class – and then, it was the end of the lesson. Bell went, students departed. So it wasn’t until outside that the real fuss began, with pupils scurrying down the corridors hurridly cramming books into bags (the Boys’ voluminous enough to carry a full set of the ‘Encyclopaedia Britannica’ the Girls’ about the size  of a postage stamp) “Did she really say what I think she said?” “I think so …” “Hey Shellie, guess what our Science teacher’s just said?…”

Well, after I’d recovered my composure (it was one of those cases where eventually you get to laughing at other people laughing. and our eldest’s laugh is the most infectious ever..Oh God , I was in bulk…) Well, I was horrified and impressed in equal measure. He had, in fact already told his Mum in the car after she’d picked him and his brother up for the Home Run. She nearly went off the road in hysterics; they thought she was having a fit, she eventually pulled up.

As we got to hear more and more stories about Miss Houston, it became clear that this was completely in character. Our eldest chose to study Chemistry, her subject at GCSE level (however not necessarily because of her, though I will strongly encourage his brother to do so too.)

Another example  from a GCSE class, again, courtesy of our eldest. She taught them about the ‘Bonding’ of atoms, by getting people from the class to act out scenes from a nightclub where each participant was an atom, the majority of who were out for a few drinks and a laugh, but basically to bond with another. Then there were one or two ‘kinky’ ones who wanted to bond in twos and threes! I began to wonder. Is she a dizzy, daft old moo who doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, or is she (and this is where my money’s going) actually a very canny teacher who was using language, key words, vingettes, play-acting, kinaesthetic learning to make it fun, interesting and easy to remember.

I finally met her at our eldest’s year 11 parents’ evening and we had such a laugh (much of which was at his expense I’ m ashamed to say) she didn’t know I was a teacher and I didn’t let on. We were however, on the same wavelength immediately. He will never have any trouble remembering, or explaining what ‘bonding’ is or how it works. As for scrotum…

One very cool (if still slightly dotty) lady.

 © Andy Daly  2010

Ahoy Square! Feat. N-Dubz

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I know you hate it. I did too.

It’s that moment in the exam hall, when you’re desperately trying to concentrate You are dredging your memory, putting all your faith in the tricks you have been taught to release these vital golden nuggets: Associate, Visualize, Review, Read, Recite, Rewrite, Repeat, Mnemonics – Rhyme, Acronym etc.

What were the second and third singles off of the N-Dubz album ‘Against All Odds’?

One of the teachers invigilating decides at this critical point of the History exam to come and stand right behind you. They click their heels on the floor/very deliberately avoid clicking their heels on the floor (just as irritating)/jangle loose change in their pocket/have a conversation with another member of staff or just stand there; which is all the more infuriating, because you can’t see what they are doing; what they are looking over your shoulder at.

Oh come on, I’ve got to get this right, you think to yourself. What were they? Fire … Fire something … ‘Playing with Fire’  That’s it!  Single three? Over? … It ain’t over? No!  ‘Say it’s all Over’  – Bingo!

Thankfully, Teacher/Invigilator has moved off to wind up someone else now.

So you sum up: that’s  ‘Playing with Fire’ released in July 2009. It reached its highest UK chart position of 17 on downloads alone falling back to 36 the following week. So … it’s 36/17 and July. ‘Say it’s all Over’ was put out on 4th January 2010 and charted at number 39 … That  gives me 4/01 or 01/4 and 39.

17th July 1936 to 1st April 1939: Spanish Civil War dates! Hah! Sir would be proud of me! No thanks to the roaming invigilator.

Where are they now? A quick look up confirms that the restless teacher is over the other side of the hall.

Right what’s the next question? ‘What did Germany contribute to the Spanish Civil War?’ Oerr … Now what was the name of that third track off the last B-Tight album ….?

To be fair, the regulations for examination invigilation require that teachers/invigilators should actively patrol the exam hall at all times. But what do they think about? It must be so boring.

Well, sometimes they play games. When I was a teacher, back in the days of chalk and talk, we used to play Battleships! That’s right, the old ‘guessing game’ invented by Clifford Von Wickler (not a made – up name I promise)

We’d ‘divvy’ up the hall using the columns and rows of exam tables to make our battle grids on squared paper; one on which we would arrange our ‘battle group’ of 5 aircraft carriers, 4 battleships, 3 destroyers,  3 submarines and 2  patrol boats and on the other we recorded our hits and misses. It worked equally well as a group game, or in single – player mode.

All you simply did as the game (exam) commenced, was amble over your opponent’s territory and stand by the desk you wished to attack. A signal from your opposite number would tell you whether it was a ‘hit’ and if so, what class of vessel or ‘miss’.

So if you ever heard a teacher in the middle of an exam, momentarily forgetting where they were, stifle what appeared to be a triumphant yelp, or punch the air with glee; you now know what it was. They had just sunk someone’s last remaining aircraft carrier.

As for those folders crammed full of sheets with lists of names and huge numbers of letter/number combinations such as A1, B 1, C2,  B2, C3 etc. that you see some teachers glued to, such that they take them everywhere (even home) or that fill every available space in Heads of Departments, Faculties, or Assistant Deputies’ offices. Don’t be fooled! They are not  Target Minimum, Attainment or Report grades, merely old ‘Battleship’ game cards. Though I can’t say in all certainty that no teachers have ever got the two mixed up.

© Andy Daly 2010

PS. Yes, yes I know: Proof read before you publish it. I will get the hang of it – Promise!

Open up your door

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Or ‘The Key’

(with sincere apologies to Richard Hawley)

Open up your door

Open up the door

Though quite against the law
To the right you’ll hear it click
Hmmm! it has a tendency to stick
Ooh open up your door
This key will fit for sure
Though I’ve not tried before
Know it’ll open up the door
Open up the door

So open up your door …

Introduction

Now many people may scoff at the particular piece of Cumberland folklore I am about to reveal, and which has been brought up to date in modern verse as a popular song by Sheffield ‘Crooner’ Richard Hawley.

But it is true.

There was a key.

A key which revealed our past, present and possibly our futures …

How do I know? Because I saw it with mine own eyes, held it in mine own hand.

 The Power of The Key

The Key was a source of great potency, and as such a good example of  enabling nature of Power. Not only did it unlock hardwood external doors, but internal softwood: glazed and unglazed, firedoors, walk in store cupboard doors, but it was also able to unlock doors, which allowed us to walk back into our very own thoughts and words, and those of others, too. Imagine that! The Key was for its keepers and users a vital weapon against oppression. (A comprehensive account of power can be found in Steven Lukes Power: A Radical View where he discusses the three dimensions, which include that (ie the Key) which make action possible.) Much of this stance is related to the analysis of Power by the French philosopher Michel Foucault (1926–1984)

No Smoke without matches

Lovingly and intricately incised with the bold Celtic patterns so reminiscent of the 10th Century cross at nearby Gosforth, it wasn’t. Instead it was a disappointingly lumpy and imperfect alloy copy of a Chubb masterkey.  I should explain. I was in the Sixth Form at Wyndham School, Egremont, Cumbria. Family committments had necessitated a move from my beloved Rochdale to the  dormitory town of Seascale, next door to the British Nuclear Fuels Ltd  Sellafield/Windscale plant, which is where I lived for 2 years and Wyndham was the nearest school.

I hadn’t been there long when a  rumour began circulating among the student body that some person or persons unknown had access to their own master key – which enabled passage to all areas of the Sixth form block, including classrooms and offices. Nowhere was secure. But who?

No smoke without fire. In this instance, the Swan Vestas proved to be Smisch and Duane. These two reprobates* ‘borrowed’ a staff master key, then in a gripping race against time, made a mould, returned it, then cast a copy in the metalwork rooms!

Greatest Hits

From thereon, the Sixth Form students had unlimited access to the whole block – you name it: Head of Sixth Form’s office, all the classrooms, storerooms and both external doors. Power indeed! Of course, strictly speaking,  it allowed us merely to walk back into the classrooms where we had above-mentioned thoughts etc. (There was a lot of  ‘herb’ floating around at this point in time – if you catch my drift.) But it does make you wonder about the wisdom of putting all the doors on the same key.

Anyway, it was very convenient. Let’s say you wanted to make an amendment on your ‘UCCA’ form – no tiresome wait until the Head of Sixth Form returned from lunch.You simply got the key, let yourself in, got what you wanted, tidied his desk a bit if you felt inclined, and locked up again on your way out. The staff had no idea!

I remember a gang of us emptying the Head of Sixth Form’s office one lunchtime and replacing all the furniture with exotic curtains, rugs, bean bags and cushions which people had brought from home, to make it look like an opium smoking den and on another occasion, again after removing furniture we simply wheeled someone’s oily motorcycle in from out of the car park and left it on its stand in the middle of the room. He must have thought he was going mad! And all because some careless member of staff left their Master Key lying around. Tsk tsk.

One afternoon, Duane and I used the key to access the ropes and crabs from the summer camp gear store. We then took all the bags belonging to the students at a History class on the top floor. Bags were not allowed into classrooms and of course therefore were an easy target. After tying all the bags along the rope, we strung it from one toilet window on South East side of the building (which was an inverted ‘S’ shape) to the corresponding window on the North East side, then hoisted it up, so when those in the class turned to look out of the window, they saw their bags dancing up and down in the wind, some 40 feet up. One night, drunk and tired of trying to hitch hike home, we let ourselves in and slept on cushions on the common room floor.

To future generations … and capture!

With much ceremony, the key was ritually handed down to ‘Responsible Officers’ of the incoming Upper 6th  (year 13) But it couldn’t last. People had become apparently, so blasé about using it, that it was only a matter of time before someone was caught with it. And let’s face it a dopey staff  can only be so dopey for so long… eventually, a year or so after I had left, the inevitable happened … Caught in possession. And that was that.

I wonder why they never changed the locks? You don’t think they knew all along. Did they?

Open up your door

Open up the door

Oh Officer I’m sure
I really can’t take any more
I just sit here on the floor
Ooh officer the door

Just ask for Legal Aid once more
I must qualify, I’m sure.
Open up the door

So open up your door 

Open up the door

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

        Hawley. Has just read ‘Open up your door’

 

(*Now Professor of Interaction Design at the Institute for Design, Oslo and Computer Software Consultant and Contractor, Denver Colorado respectively.)

 

Please note: if you haven’t already realised, paragraph two is complete bollocks.

 

© Andy Daly  2010

Staff Football

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A snippet from the Queensmead School Staff Bulletin 1994

Queensmead 4. Douay Martyrs 1.  

Queensmead are back and back in style. Despite going behind 0-1, Queensmead fought back and played some excellent football to convincingly defeat the Douay Martyrs School Staff Team 4-1.

Forget all that media talk about Shearer and Cole, EI Tel needs to come to West London and take a good look at Cosby and Daly,  probably the best combination seen in Britain since Torville and Dean. Poise, balance, natural skills and grace: C and D have got the lot.

The Queensmead victory would have been even greater if Pete Chadwick  from the Maths department had not missed a penalty.   Apart from that one blemish, Chopper, as he is affectionately known by his team-mates for the obvious reasons, had a smashing game in midfield.

The nasty head injury sustained by one of the Queensmead strikers (Me as it happens!) on closer inspection revealed nothing more serious than a few emerging black roots and some split ends. (And an evening in casualty having it stitched)

He should be fit for Friday’s game, against Haydon School Staff, 21/10/94.

(With thanks to Paul Simpson)

C and D

 Phwwoar! look at that fine collection of beefcake!

(The rest of you don’t look too bad either …)

  © Andy Daly  2010

Waxing lyrical

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Cynically adapted by Y. T. (as in ‘Yours Truly’ ) from a news item about Crayola. You remember them from school? The crayons in the little tins.

Crayola ‘wax lyrical’ over the celebration of its 50th year with the introduction of a commemorative 64 crayon box. To celebrate the anniversary, Crayola introduced eight new colors selected by children to tell a story about what’s important to today’s youth: knives, guns, cheap skunk.

© Andy Daly  2010

Marc Forni

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Congratulations to Marc and his wife on the birth of a baby girl at 2:10pm today.

To mark the occasion, published here, for the first time – giving a real insight into the complex dynamic between Newly Qualified Teacher, Observer, and Students is a copy of the observation record of Marc’s groundbreaking Art lesson 15/07/04

Lesson Observation Form for Newly Qualified Teachers

 Name              MARC FORNI

Date    15/7/04                   Subject: Art                                   Lesson/Class  P.1

Teaching Group          YEAR 8 M/A

Planning and preparation

Good. Your lesson was meticulously planned and prepared. Your written documentation clearly highlighted the importance of making sure I got a cup of tea beforehand. (The omission of brandy is put down to pre-observation nerves: but remember, this could happen for real with ofsted. So be prepared)

The lesson was divided into 3 parts and involved

  •  Looking into the kiln (at a temperature of close to 300 degrees C) and forlornly exclaiming ‘We didn’t have enough time! They are a bit hot’
  • Making paper folders
  • Looking at students wandering around aimlessly.

The objectives were met and satisfy the school’s criteria for an ‘excellent’ lesson.

Seating plan would have been used had there had been enough stools.

Teaching content – style and strategies

The first 25/30 minutes was taken up with trying to clear mess left by the Head of Department, which although impressive, was over – long and meant that many students lost interest. You did not take the opportunity to pose questions or allow the students to question you. Try to break this aspect of the lesson down into smaller ‘chunks.’

Communication skills

Good classroom presence. Clear voice. I particularly thought you got through to the students in a very special way with the middle finger to Student X and the no-nonesense ‘Yes girls, I’ve got 4 earrings, now piss off’ comment. Sadly however, these are both approaches which although effective, are not fashionable these days.

Learning environment and use of resources

No resources were prepared in advance: A sign that you have truly found your feet at this school.

Classroom organisation and management

Students lined up outside the room and took off their coats in an orderly manner on entering the room. (I think, I was still drinking my tea)

Pupil response

  •  Minimal. Their response to your lesson did, frankly not reflect the time and effort you put into it. (Why was this?)
  •  You have reservations about your ability to meet the needs of all pupils. You are right. On the whole you don’t meet any.
  •  However, you are teaching Art, so no one gives a toss.

 Use of prior assessment to support pupils’ learning

What?

Subject specific comments

 You clearly have good subject knowledge in Art and are confident with it.

Recommendations

  •  Try to make your teaching a little less didactic. Encourage more active learning. For instance, students could have been given the initiative to use blue, or even black paper for their folders.
  • Use questioning more. For instance: ‘Why am I here?’
  • Finally have you thought of teaching a more popular subject, say RE or ethics for example?

NQT signature………………………………                                       Date……………….

Trainer Wars: Round One

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An old schoolmate has just told me that Mr. O’Riordan, the former Headteacher of St. Wilfrid’s the Middle School we both attended in Rochdale died at the weekend. He’d been suffering from Altzheimer’s for some time.

I must say, I wasn’t over-keen on him, especially since the day in 1972 he ‘slippered’ me with a size 9 Dunlop Green Flash tennis shoe. For once, I was innocent of all charges (That we’d shouted obscenities at the pitch on which a match was being played as we passed one lunchtime) I hadn’t done it. I was out of the sightline of the arresting officer/teacher anyway. I was guilty by association. My only crime was to think it was cool to hang around with a bunch of ne’rdo – wells and villains.

I didn’t realise I was being beaten with a ’70s ‘Design Classic’ at the time. I suppose that in itself was reason enough for a good battering. Come to think of it, this was probably the first ‘muscle-flexing’ of those companies whose battles for superiority in the ‘Great Trainer Wars’ of the 80’s and 90’s took place in every school playground in the country. My guess is that the late John O’Riordan was being paid a tidy sum by Puma to always make sure he ‘leathered’ pupils with a Dunlop Green Flash. The spectacle was organised so that the quaking miscreants were given plenty of opportunity to view their particular instrument of torture (and its distinctive logo) before the prolonged attack. Product-placement in reverse, I suppose. Accordingly the Head at the next school down the road was being paid by Dunlop to always make sure he ‘tanned their little backsides’ with Mitre boots and shoes and so on ….

There’s a lot more to marketing than meets the eye, you know.

© Andy Daly  2010

Houston You got a problem?

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We were at the dinner table one evening, talking school with the boys. Thankfully, this has always been a thoroughly pleasurable experience: They do like to talk about school especially since they have both been at secondary – they tend to ‘bounce’ stories off each other. Occasionally, you get some utter gems, such as this one.

Ian told us this about his Year 9 Science teacher ‘Miss Houston’. Miss seems a bit dizzy from what he’s already told us. You get the feeling that she’s not really fully in control. She is Greek, apparently, talks in a high-pitched singy-songy voice, and asks the kids “Houston gotta problem?” (As in Houston, Texas, Mission Control: “Houston we gotta problem”) when she thinks they are stuck.

Well, it comes about it’s a hot, tedious afternoon, almost time for home, but that bell is just far enough away to make it feel like an eternity. They are studying human reproduction and are labelling diagrams in their books as she points out for them the various key features. They are scribbling away with the parts of  the male reproductive system. They get to ‘Scrotum’ which she points out on the diagram and as they continue to write, heads down, suddenly, and to no-one in particular, she announces:

“Ahhh! ‘Scrotum’ I love the way it rolls off your tongue!”

(I swear this is true: we had the tale independently verified…)

The kids carried on writing, then it slowly began to dawn on…. first one or two…then a few more: what she had actually said. However, because of the directness with which she said it, coupled with the fact that the import of what she had actually said had only slowly made itself apparent to the class, right at the very end, there wasn’t a big fuss over it in the lesson. Many of them were packing away or had left the class, before someone or other said “Did she really say what I think she said?”

Well, after I’d recovered my composure (it was one of those cases where eventually you get to laughing at other people laughing. and Ian’s laugh is the most infectious ever..Oh God , I was in bulk…) Well, I was horrified and impressed in equal measure. Ian had, in fact already told my wife in the car after she’d picked him and James up. She nearly went off the road in hysterics, James thought she was having a fit, she eventually pulled up.

Well, as we got to hear more and more stories about her it became clear it was completely in character. Ian chose Chemistry, her subject  (however not necessarily because of her, though I will strongly encourage James to do so….) For example, she taught them about the ‘Bonding’ of atoms, by getting people from the class to act out scenes from a nightclub where each participant was an atom, the majority of who were out for a few drinks and a laugh, but basically to bond with another. Then there were one or two ‘kinky’ ones who wanted to bond in twos and threes! I began to wonder. Is she a dizzy, daft old moo who doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, or is she (and this is where my money was going) actually a very canny teacher who was using language, key words, vingettes, play-acting, kinaesthetic learning to make it fun, interesting and easy to remember.

I finally met her at his year 11 parents’ evening and we had such a laugh at Ian’s expense (she didn’t know I was a teacher and I didn’t let on) but we were on the same wavelength immediately. Ian will never have any trouble remembering, or explaining what ‘bonding’ is or how it works.

One very cool (if still slightly dotty) lady.

 © Andy Daly  2010

A true story from my Dad

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It came to pass that one day in the old school staffroom a new teacher was being introduced to the staff – Picture the scene: air heavy with tobacco and pipe smoke, with every now and then hints of a sweet aromatic smoke coming from where? (The new Art teacher is under suspicion.) “Ladies and gentlemen can I introduce you all to James. James will be joining the Science department this term. James trained at Birmingham, going into teaching after the war, during which he flew Spitfires in the RAF. He has worked in London, the West Midlands and I’m sure you would like to join with me and welcome James to our staff” Hip, hip hooray, bravo, hear, hear etc “so you were in the RAF?” Says someone “Rather!” (Notice how James is portrayed as a stereotypical upper class idiot for comic effect) “Joined up in ’40. Lucky to stay alive. Seat of the pants stuff, don’t you know, lost plenty of chums [You will tell me if I’m overdoing this…] in the drink” “Oh you should have a word with Tom (Viscsak) He was in fighters in the war” “Oh I say, really? I started with Hurricanes at Biggin Hill, moved onto fighter command based in Suffolk, then finished with 23 squadron at Abingdon. How about you Tom? Room suddenly goes quiet. “I was in the Luftwaffe……”