A Sign

What beastly eyes.

Imagine waking up in the night and finding these looking down at you. You wouldn’t need to use the Lactulose for a while would you?

Is it the face of the Old Hag, as she sits on your chest, cackling her nightmarish cackle?

(Hands up: anyone ever had that dream? I have. I’ll tell you about it one day)

What do you think? Man? Beast? or Pasta?

Tiger, Toad or Tortellini?

 Using Photoshop: that amazingly powerful aid to visual expression/death of creativity (depending on your viewpoint)

Let’s split it in half down the middle.

Lighten it.

Now if I convert it from the black and white back into its original colour.

We’re left with the remnants of some pasta on a spoon, I spotted as I cleared up after tea one day.

And the point of all this? I’m buggered if I know. It’s not even as if I’ve nothing better to do. I suppose I should say that it is a sign, and have it splashed all over the papers. Hey, that’s not a bad idea. Where’s that number for the National Enquirer?

Well Presented

 

 

 

Ruislip, Well presented, roomy, walking distance to shops, £850 pcm

One Size Fits All Joke

I thought you might like to amuse yourselves with this ‘One Size Fits All’ joke, while you wait patiently for ‘Getting A Kick Out Of Picasso’.

Instructions: Say the following (preferably to an audience)

“Hey, this pasta isn’t ‘al dente’ … ” Then add punchline provided … “Its Al Pacino”

It may work best if you can use it in some stereotypical Italian/pasta context, but this is not essential. Give it a try yourself, now. First-timers, take  it slowly. It’s trickier than it looks. Remember that the key to greatiming comedy is.

All done? Wonderful. Now below is your introductory set of punchlines. Use them as you see best: where you think they will get the most laughs.

Or, don’t use them at all. Think of your own punchlines. It’s even more fun

“Hey, this pasta isn’t ‘al dente’ It’s:

Al Jolson    Al Gore    Al Murray     al-Qa’ida    Aldi

Alcoholics Anonymous    Al Green (‘Let me say that si-i-i-ince, since we’ve been together…etc’)

Al day and al of the night    Al Jancovic (Man is he weird)    Alabama

Al Di Meola    Ali float like a butterfly, Sting like a bee    Ali Baba and his 40 corrupt British Politicians

Al Capone (‘guns don’t argue …’)    Aluminium    Al get that later

Bollocks to this I’m off to bed.

McEnroe and Borg

On the afternoon of one of the great McEnroe/Borg finals,  me and My Best Mate Aky spent a side-splitting  afternoon in the off licence he ran on Seven Sisters Road,  coming up with the definitive tabloid headline for the following day’s editions.

Winner was (I’ll never forget it)

                          “Ice Borg sinks Mac the Strife in Titanic struggle”

© Andy Daly  2010

Waxing lyrical

Cynically adapted by Y. T. (as in ‘Yours Truly’ ) from a news item about Crayola. You remember them from school? The crayons in the little tins.

Crayola ‘wax lyrical’ over the celebration of its 50th year with the introduction of a commemorative 64 crayon box. To celebrate the anniversary, Crayola introduced eight new colors selected by children to tell a story about what’s important to today’s youth: knives, guns, cheap skunk.

© Andy Daly  2010

How to avoid giving someone a lift

The other day a friend asked me how they might avoid having to give a lift to someone whose company they did not particularly care for. I suggested:

1.) Play Captain Beefheart/Iggy Pop/Sex Pistols/Residents/Pere Ubu (any will do) CDs VERY LOUD the whole way. I guarantee you won’t hear a single word and you will never be asked for a lift again.

2) Say you’ve got a job finding locations for a re-make of ‘The Exorcist’ and there’s one or two places you want to check out on the way.

 3) On arrival at their house, ask if they happen to have about 4ft. of narrow gauge wire to hand (preferably in a rubber sheath)  as you could do with replacing your accelerator cable. It keeps sticking, usually somewhere about 60 – 70 mph.

© Andy Daly  2010

Which reminds me

Once upon a long time ago, we had a French friend who was a the dinner table
with her boyfriend’s parents  for the first time. “Oh I say are you alright
Chantelle?” asked a concerned host as Chantelle appeared to choke on her
food. Keen to impress with (as ever) with her wide vocabulary she replies
“Oh yes, I’ve just got something stuck in my clitoris!”

Of course she meant epiglottis!

© Andy Daly  2010

Antiheroes of my Youth

No.1: Ivor Cutler 

No.2 Basil Brush

No.3 Alf Tupper ‘The Tough of the Track’

No.4 John Noakes

No.5 The Soup Dragon

 No.6 Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks: aka Shirley Crabtree and Luke McMasters or (apparently) Martin Ruane. In their days as a ‘dirty’ tag team.

Pasta

This isn’t Pasta al dente, it’s Pasta al pacino!*