Stupidity: quality or state of being stupid. It derives from the Latin verb stupere which means numb or astonished. Apparently stupid and stupidity entered the English language in the sixteeth century. Since then, stupid has taken its place along with fool/foolish, idiot/idiotic and moron/moronic to describe the types of people and behaviour I am about to introduce you to. People whose behaviour shows a lack of good sense or judgement – to whit, I put it to you that stupidity is predicated on a level of intelligence, which is ignored by ‘The Stupid One’ in order to be stupid. The reasons for this are unclear but in my experience almost certainly involve the excessive consumption of alcohol, a desire to impress a member of the opposite sex or for a bet, on which large sums of cash money are believed to be riding (or sometimes a combination of all three). It was my story about the Train Carriage Hurdling that got me thinking more than somewhat about Stupidity, but if you thought that was stupid; as Bachman said to Turner after critics labelled them underpowered ‘You ain’t seen nuthin yet’
Please note that in order to preserve the dignity of the ‘former aquaintances’ responsible for what is about to follow I shall refer to them from here on in simply as my ‘former aquaintances’. In a true spirit of inclusivity and interaction, feel free to grade this selection in order of stupidity: one being high.
“Can’t we get a washing machine? I’m sick of that launderette” complained the partner of a former aquaintance
“Are you kidding?” He said “ A basic model would set us back about £250 – No way!”
That evening uptown with a skinfull of grog, my former aquaintance makes for a nightclub with some friends. They are refused entry whereupon in protest, he jumps up and grabs the canvas awning over the club door, intent on swinging on it. Needless to say it rips and then collapses. The doormen give him a light kicking (nothing that would show) then hand him in to the police. He is charged with Drunk and Disorderly Behaviour and in court is fined …£250
You know that feeling; on the way home from the pub, you feel the urge to wee, but also a desire to be a bit creative about it. Think Gotham City and Batman! My former aquaintance was a dab hand at this, he would keep his bladder as full as possible, then using a suitably lit wall, relax and let flow in an up down, left right configuration to reveal an uncanny likeness to the Batman ‘spotlight’ motif, including scallop-shaped batwings.
Chin up up up up
One night on entering one of the capital’s larger tube stations, my former aquaintance suddenly takes a run up then launches himself headlong down one of those inviting-looking strips of stainless steel you find between the up and down escalators. He went at quite a lick too, unfortunately he had forgotten about those ‘Toblerone – shaped’ signs which lie across at regular intrevals warning those on the moving stairs to ‘Stand to the Right’ or ‘Fold Pushchairs’. Wallop! Wallop! Wallop! Wall … You get the picture. He only did it the once.
One evening a former aquaintance who was also sharing our flat, arrived home having forgotten it was his turn to cook tea.
“Never mind lads, I’ll go to the chip shop. What do we all want?” He took the order, put his helmet on again, jumped on his motorbike and sped off into the night. He returned about 20 minutes later. He took off his helmet with a sheepish grin, wiping the visor which seemed to have been in a collision with a pot of glue and a box of beige carpet trimmings.
“Errrr, I don’t know how to tell you this”
“Well, I got the order, and the bag was quite big, so I thought how can I carry it back on my motorbike? I know, I’ll stuff it down my leather jacket, except halfway gown Wingrove Road it burst open and there was fucking fish and chips everywhere!”
Hole in one
We had some friends who had a first floor flat in a house in the East end of Newcastle. One day a hole began to appear in the bathroom floor, alongside the toilet. It slowly got worse, but the landlords did nothing about till one day it worked its way through the ceiling of the flat below; which because it was the same layout, was also their bathroom. One night our friends had a party. I remember my former aquaintance rushing up to me mid-party:
“I’ve done it! Look at this”
He showed me to the bathroom where, with some skill it has to be said, he took aim and pissed through the hole in the floor right into downstairs’ toilet!
Bowie: Volume 10
My former aquaintance comes home from the pub. Ah! The perfect way to complete the evening: a little bit of Ziggy Sardust at full blast. So with his parents asleep upstairs, he tiptoes into the front room, loads up the platter, puts on the headphones and cranks it all the way up! He is less than half way through ‘Five Years’ when he finds himself being violently shaken awake from an uneasy slumber. Can’t hear, the music’s too loud. So he takes off the heaphones. The music is even louder. His father is yelling at him but he still can’t hear. Finally his Dad pulls the plug out of the record player and as Bowie slowwwly faaades aaaaawayyyy, stomps back to bed in his pyjamas.
He can’t figure it out, until he realises he never actually plugged in the headphones at all. What he had been listening to was the noise of Bowie volume 10 filtering into his phones from outside!
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits” Albert Einstein
Warning. Do not try any of these stupid stunts at home. Or anywhere else for that matter. Always leave it to the experts.
© Andy Daly 2012